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11.30.06 - 10.26am
  You know...you can live out a friendship for years and barely say the other persons name to them, sure you can talk about them to others, but you rarely here your name directed to you from there mouth and vice-versa. I think that makes it so when they do say your name it draws your attention to what ever there saying, making the words that it proceeds and the words that follow, have much more meaning to them... So in that can't we put that to anything we are deprived of?  
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10.12.06 - 11.31am
  Everyone. EVERYONE has access to this fucker, yet no one cares to chek up on it, I write a depressing poem Idk if anyone even understood it. I feel like...hurting myself, but not for selfish reasons, I wish that somthing horrid would happen to me, self inflicted or not, just so my father and mother will come to terms, so I can talk to my mom with out tip toeing around her, so I don't hurt her feelings. I don't hate myself or want to die or anything like that. I just want the outcome idc how I get there. I need some one. I feel like I can't trust anyone. Cause everyone is too busy with there own lives...am i a dead-beat?  
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10.10.06 - 5.15am
  Spiraling down to this abys you created for me.
Nothing is worth anything anymore.
You made me become what I am.
I regress, yet I mature.
I mourn, yet I'm happy.
I hurt, yet I heal.
Nothing less always more.
You can't understand.
Pathetic excuse for a being.
We were made to think.
What went wrong?
Why did you do this.
5 am the alarm not yet ready.
Wake me shake me, tell me it's mine.
But it's not. It's your. Cryce! It's yours!
Take it! I don't want it.
I can handle it. but I don't want to.
My Selfish Selfless desire.
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30 questions   
9.24.06 - 2.53pm
mood: bitchy

30 Questions!
Current mood: depressed

1. What does your MySpace headline mean?

Lonely. Means I'm lonely duhhh.

2. Elaborate on your current photo:

I was bored, and just got back from otakon, so I had this pic taken...meow.

3. Who was the last person to make you smile?

Ryan's letter. So Ryan

4. What's your current relationship status?
Taken and no chance of changing that.

5. What EXACTLY are you wearing right now?

Blue Slicky pants and Ryan's shirt
6. What is your current problem?

I have no friends around me.

7. What do you love most?

Hmm, Well, my creative writing class as of right now.

8. What makes you most happy?
Not being alone. Being with Ryan, Being with my friends, so Not being alone pretty much covers it.

9. Are you in a musical?


10. If you could go back in time, and change something what would it be?


12. Ever have a near death experience?

A few

13. What did you do last night?
Got Depressed Bought Stay Alive. Slept

14. What's the name of the song that's stuck in your head?

Decembers. Hawthorne Hieghts
15. Last thing you ate?


16. Name someone with the same birthday as you:

Denis Campbell

17. Have you ever vandalized someone's private property?

That's acutally a funny story I can't tell you.

18. Have you ever been in a fight with your friend?

You know yours best friends when you fight  as hardcore as me and mine do and survive it.

19. Have you ever sang in front of a large audience?

If i did I blocked it out as a horrid memory.

20. What are you doing tonight?

21. What do you usually order from Starbucks?

I finally had there coffee it's nasty.

22. Do you have a crush on anybody?

Does Ryan Count =) I dont think thats a crush anymore thought, its a whole lot more.

23. Ever had a drunken night in Mexico?

Is that a drink? Or do you really mean in Mexico?  <____Repeats

24. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?

Yeah, Abby From NCIS

25. Do you still watch kiddy movies or TV shows?
Heck Yes
26. Did you have braces?


27. Do you speak a different language?

French, Japanese, German, Spanish, and Engrish, Leet, Not fluent in any except the last to.

29. What is your favorite smell?
Ehhh. Idk
30. What is your greatest fear?
Being alone and a failure

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Times like these   
9.16.06 - 1.09am
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Whos going to give me away   
8.28.06 - 5.01pm
mood: apathetic
Well you never really know how much you miss somthing until it's gone and you need it. Since saturday afternoon, I've lost my father, and not to somthing like death or injury, but to another woman. He has given up his family and went to her, at the risk of loosing me...us, at the knowledge of it. Now when I need him, just for somthing simple as a password, makes me look at all the stuff I'll need him for down the road. For instince who will give me away at my wedding some day? Who will be my baby's PI grandaddy. *sigh*
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Stress..if I wasn't hurt before I am now...   
8.23.06 - 4.53am
mood: cold
Well....Lately,  if it's anything...Maegan has been alot better. She's stoped fighting and just keeps giving up to everything. Jojo.....is a teenager...Dad  you've now got two teenagers and three adults living under your roof....may is going through the angst get me outta this house everyone hates me stage...i went through it. Remember? My cutting stage...Well atleast she doesn't do that. Jojo is going through her selfish stage. I went through that as well...granted not as baddly but...I had more bad stuff happen to me for that stage to last in my life. I.E david and such. The most you can do is support them through it. May...needs to know you love her...Jojo....needs her space....
The house hasn't been as bad as it was when crystal was here.... improvements are being made. When you come home You will find only the kitchen a mes...which I admit is my fault. Today i've been caught up in my own depression and shutting everything out I didn't clean the kitchen when mom asked. But I will do it when i wake up tomorrow...if mom doesn't attack it first.
The yelling hasn't been as bad...again look for the little improvments rome wasn't built in a day. We are all trying since that meeting with P. Mike.
WIth the money...there's not much I can do there. I've paid my own way to milton and everything like that. I'm paying for my own bed. and personally I think jojo can now pay to get her own bed as well. Once I get hired at walmart *prays* I will switch the bed to my name and you guys can get jojo her bed..and have her pay for...maybe half of it or even all of it..she's bringing in almost 100$ a week..no reason why she can't spare 20$ for her own bed. And we are all trying with the money....some of us more than others....but may hasn't asked for much lately. I've only asked about my computer....but about that....I need my escape while Ryan is away...my distraction for the times I'm not busy....I already miss him...but daddie...I miss you too...... It's like your not even fully there..... and I miss you. Alot. I pray for you to come back to me safely...when you are done going through what you are going through....Just like ryan...You two are the only men in my life I trust....Trust guys since...david....is hard for me.....And right now both of them are gone...I'm just waiting patiently...When i found out about ryan going to the marines. I was shocked to say the least... but after praying about it...I gave him to God, for as long as God wanted him...and promised God I would wait for him patiently...but It's hard...and I had no Idea I wasn't going to have the only other man in my life gone too. I wanna help you. and I'm not just saying all this to make you feel bad. I just want you to know. I have faith in you. and i pray for you everynight. I know mom's faith runs very low in you right now, she is scared, and the Devil is eating her in and out, but for now, I like to think that I have enough faith for all three of us....all five of us. I do have faith in you, and not for one minute can I even think that you are cheating on mom. And I know you don't know whether your love can stand firm through this, I know it wavers. I've had times when i fealt like just kicking ryan. But I know love, if you ever loved mom, really loved her, I have faith in that too. I have faith in God, and everything bad that ever happens Good will always come out of it....Daddy do you realize with out all this bad stuff...when the good stuff comes...we wouldn't appriciate it the way we should....as human beings...we NEED bad things to happen, in order for us to regonize good stuff......There is a fine line between all opposites, thats because we can't have one with out the other. With out hate there would be no love. And the two feelings are so strong and so much alike, it easy to confuse them, for an unsaved one...do you see what I mean though? about needing the bad...You must look at it that way....or life will always seem dismal. All this bad stuff...will go away...when you believe it will. I know I've kind of rambled and jumped around subjects..but I've got alot on my mind You know? Like...Right now...I feel like i'm in a stand still...No job...no colllege....I've prolly missed the start date for this simester but I will NOT miss the next one....
I love you...and no matter what always will... and I have faith in you...so even when your's wavers in yourself, or mom's wavers in  you...I've got it, you've always got some faith there. Cause I always have faith in you....

I emailed that to him...my father....Right before I found out he was cheating on my Mom....Now he won't even talk to me....I'm loosing my daddie even more than I was!!!!
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8.12.06 - 12.04am
  Okay so here is the deal. You look it over and see how many of these things you have done, BUT you have to ADD up the money amount along the way. Then post the amount that you are as the title of the bulletin such as "$15" or "I'm worth $67" or something like that. P.S. The smaller the better!!!

Had sex-- $3

Went past first base-- $4

Only went to first base-- $3

Smoked-- $5

Got drunk-- $5

Went skinny dipping-- $3

Kissed someone of the opposite sex-- $4

Had more than one bf/gf at the same time-- $2

Cheated-- $2

Fell asleep in class-- $0.50

Cheated on a quiz-- $1.00

Been expelled-- $5

Been in a fist fight-- $3

Done oral-- $5

Got oral-- $5

Prank called the cops-- $3

Stole something-- $2

Done drugs-- $5

Dyed your hair-- $0.50

Done something with someone older-- $3

Went out with someone OVER 18 if your under 18-- $4

Ate a whole thing of oreos-- $0.50

Cried yourself to sleep-- $1

Said you love someone but didnt mean it-- $1

Been in love-- $4

Got caught doing something that you shouldnt have been doin-- $1

Went streaking-- $4

Got arrested-- $5

Madeout with someone at the movies-- $2

Peed in the pool-- $0.50

Played spin the bottle-- $1

Done something you regret-- $3

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Con Con Con   
8.7.06 - 1.33am
mood: chipper
Ok So Guys, I just now got in 133 am from otakon, I'd have to say all in all the experience was excellent. All the way from getting lost to making new friends. I honestly wouldn't change a thing. :-D. I met alot of new great people. All of which are going to have links to this site. Bryan, Your so great, I am so gald that you where there to help us out so much. You've such a big heart and if you don't keep in contact with me, I'll rip it out ~_^ haha, And Anthony, your so great!. We are alike in alot of respects, and you've got an uber awesome job. You two are some really great people. Also, out to my artist if I ever see you again, I shall glomp you, well both of you. I love my art!!!! This has been one of the most rewarding experiences ever, and I can't wait to do it again. I am missing you guys terribly already! All the action and non stop was exhasting but spetacular. The first day consisted of lines,((Being in the front!!!))Walmarts, getting an hours lost, mis direction, pens and sleeping through Princess Mononke and AMV's, being marked as 18 and allowing into the Hentia Panel WHEE!!!!. Day Two consisted EVIL MONEY ORDERS OF THREE HOURS, and then Gaia, meeting some fellow Gaians, shoping, getting drawn, a Masquerade, bad singers at the otocafe and Zombies. Day three was of Amv's shopping, pizza, hot gay guys, KH cosplay make out sessions, and painful see you laters. I didn't wanna leave. Why do we have to live so far apart!!!
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Quiz time   
7.31.06 - 3.27am

what's your inner flower?

[c] sugardew

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Library Meme   
7.30.06 - 5.19pm
mood: cold
A LibrarMeme...

It's like this, kids...

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next 3 sentences on your blog along with these instructions.
5. Don’t you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest.
6. Tag three people: demonangelwings,sakura_genixkittyneko

I'm being strategic now, and there's a way around it. Pose it as a question. Isn't that a striated thorn-bill(acanthiza lineata)?
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7.23.06 - 10.10pm
mood: Contridicting
Here again, in this state that I think almost happens everytime I come from Milton to Bradford, a great affintiy of lonliness and a  huge need for personal space, which is odd cause I can't have both...can I? I almost fell alseep twice while driving, almost hit a hitch-hiker and almost let my guilt turn around and pick her up, but it was a bit creepy, personally, she looked straight from a horror movie, and I was alone, so it was a no. I got home and went straight to church, which I was glade I was there, the preacher wasn't as great as I was hoping, but a girl got up and sang a song that really touched me. About giving up your anxiety and being happy in God, and what he gives you, I suppose that what I really need to here right, is just be happy, That I am aloud to be happy, cause i am stuck on that I'm not. Gosh, I'm confused. I really don't like bradford, but i really like the church...really. I hope I don't get hurt, I don't think I could take another fall like in my past...things that I hate to even think about let alone sit here and type them out...I'm too fradgile with this church to withstand a fall..so I hope it doesn't happen.......My mom thinks he's cheating on her....Personally, I disagree, Dad smarter and yet too dumb to do it. He is smart enough to know there are five women in this house who know his every weekness and could take him down for the count...yet he is too dumb to get away with it anyway...BTW did you know I get my Ticklishness from my Father! *glares at him* well this is Rubber Ducky Over and Out....PS ANGELA I PLAYED MY GAME AGAIN ON THE WAY HOME....HAHAH Mission Accomplished *inside joke...don't ask*
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7.14.06 - 9.08pm
  HAhahA I just got pulled over by a copper! For cutting him off T_T it was an accident. Got off on being a "new" driver haha  
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7.13.06 - 4.25pm
mood: curious
So I have a dream. Haha I mean Had. Ok, so I was in my prom dress, sitting an half auditorium half ball room, it was "prom" So i'm sitting there waiting around and Ryan comes in where black shorts that are way to big and a way huge white shirt, and says "YOu" he points at me "Come with me" I comply and follow him out to his car. in the car some girl is talking to him through a car fone, it sounds like the car is just talking but it not. I am driving O-o the girl asks " When will you be here" " Soon" he replies. Then i here a click, and he turns to me "Are any of your old promdresses still at renee's" he asks, " no" I answer " damn" he says. "Are you going to prom" I ask "no" he says " Ok, why do you need a dress" I ask laughin a little " Hilary Needs it" I look at him questioningly. " She wants to goto prom and has no dress." he says. " Well if you aren't going I have no reason to go she can have mine...hilary who" I ask. " Duff" he answers then gives me directions to the little known hotel. We go through security and enter her room "Oh I am so glad youguys are here, thank you thank you" I strip down and she gives me some clothes to where and she takes my dress and puts it on. She smiles and thanks us, and leave, we leave and goto what in my dream is ryan's house but it RL it wasnt, and we kissed and his parents come outside, and we help them plant this red and blue plant that i dont think really exsists it was like a vine and the blue parts twined and had little darker blue hearts as the flowers, and the red was twined around each heart, and the stems and vine where silver. We finished and instintly they grew up like a fine around this arch way and outside swing, we all sat down on the swing and watch as the plant continued to grow so it made a curtian around the swing, the sun glowed red and blue through the vines, and we just swung there and I woke up.....aint that interesting
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7.7.06 - 11.10pm
mood: determined
Well today was semi-barable. Boss, is you know the same, bossy, but hey what's a girl to do...other than fight fire with fire. For every my way or the high way she pulls I've shown her I AM the highway, it thats the way I choose. OK....Bad anology but what ev. Who cares. I am showing her who's who in this house..yes I could think of many more trite expressions to murder the english language with but you get the picture at those few torturous ones right? Good. Driving here was ok, I really miss hanging out with Carin, I really wanted to take her and May Shopping, but That's not going to work because jojo is a bitch and through a fit and now may won't go. I am glad to say that May and Me have connected but in that proccess me and Joe seem to have lost our connection. Gosh.


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Play time!   
7.5.06 - 1.35am
mood: complacent

I died in the Dungeon of Kitty Kat Chan

I was killed in a gothic-arched temple by the wrath of Jocelyncs, whilst carrying...

the Dagger of Tom Riddle, the Armour of Magic, the Sceptre of Nc-17, the Wand of Kyou, the Axe of Lunalelle, the Sword of Voldemort/harry and 0 gold pieces.

Score: 12

Explore the Dungeon of Kitty Kat Chan and try to beat this score,
or enter your username to generate and explore your own dungeon...

So I've decided to go as Sora, Kenpachi, and I don't know to otakon, anyone else going...wanna meet up???
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Dreams and Kitties   
6.26.06 - 2.06pm
mood: calm
Well I had the same dream again " Am i doing the right thing?" Yes Child You are. Kinda thing. Recuring dreams normally hold the most meaning. So I wonder what it means and why can't i remember anymore of it. Grr. Any how here is my new precious kitten he was a Graduation Prestent from Camilla, *Thanks* Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Sleeping away His name is Vicious

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Yes he is attempting to eat that bone....
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amb\ i doing the write thing??   
6.25.06 - 9.34am
  YES CHILD.....will elberate later  
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Ok, so I've developed this thing   
6.24.06 - 8.26pm
mood: cranky
Since moving back here I find my self getting very very angry with people getting into my stuff. For instince while being in Maryland, I had left my laptop for my family to use while they did the process of hooking up a wireless net work, I put alog on my computer for them to use and passworded mine. Well I had to give my dad my password so he  could set up my internet. Well that's not all he did, he gave jojo a log on my computer. When i got home those words glared at me, as I did them. I hated that word at that moment. This computer is my escape from here, has been since they moved here, and will continue to do so. I said I was deleteing it and my dad said Why? Leave it so she can use it to. I clenched my teeth, for I refuse to complain to my parents about anything. (Which is also why I'm a slave for you seems to be my theme song) I deleted it anyway, but I didn't say anything of it. I also found out that meagan ransacked my room! Then the next day I saw jojo wearing my Johnney Depp shirt!!! Again having to go through my room to get it. My room right now is a pile of nothing, my stuff mostly is in boxes, some of the boxes tour from abuse. Some of my parents stuff still litters the floor. Maybe i will stay up tonite and work on it. Also, I've driven EVERYWHERE. ok I'm ok. But it seems I've devloped an anger thing when my sisters touch my stuff and pretend like it's theres.
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6.23.06 - 5.38am
mood: blank
Well, once again I am pleagued at the wee hours of the morning. It's 5:38am, I can feel my eyes growing bags, call me vain but I think they are quite ugly and have no wish to obtain them. But they are a side affect of insomnia. Why is it at times like these my brain works the best, the quickest, the most profound. But when it comes to putting all these thoughts to use, and telling someone I am at a loss for words. I feel like I am regressing, yet being aware of this doesn't that make me eligable to stop it. Kind of like if some one knew the future, the could prevent it, although I think that is a very bad example cause time is a very fickle thing, and never ending. If I were to go back, it was probably suppose to happen, although that is only basing that there is one dimension, the one we are in now. But if we go by the string theroy then time becomes finite. So many theories to wrap ones mind around, so little time to explore them. They all sound so good, so right, so true, it make forming an opinion very difficult.

I'm sitting here now, watching my mom work, and I find somthing silly. How she can sound so nice, but looking at her, her gestures aren't. People ask to talk to her superviser to give them good opinions on her, and here she is when they hang up cursing them. It's silly. The looks I get from her, of annoyance. The hand motions of talking to much and retardation. Yes mother I do understand these people are retarded, rich and extremely attention craved. It's really gotta suck playing everyone's best friend, yet wanting them to get off the phone so bad.

Well, I am getting off for now, not as long as before, nothing really to post on, nothing intersting that is. I am planning a trip to milton here very soon, soon as dad's car gets fixed. Oh, and i unfortunately applied to work at walmart today.....I don't wanna work there, I need to call the temp angency, but living in this house, making a phone call that is suppose to be professional is damn near imposisble. With all the noise and what not. Well that's all folks

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